Potty Training 101

Potty Training 101

Everybody wants to give me parenting advice.  Let me tell you the truth, most of the time I pretend like I’m listening and take it in, but in reality I’m paying no attention.  But when it came to potty training, I was terrified.  I really had no idea where to start.  I listened carefully to everyone’s advice.  That may have been the wrong thing to do since I ended up with a mash up of weird, cockeyed approaches. 

Hayden has been ready to be potty trained for well over two months.  It was me that wasn’t ready.  I have this fear of being in the car, in traffic, on the 95, and Hayden screaming “Mommy I have to poop”- and me not being able to get her to a toilet in time.  Or worse, being at the mall and Hayden having some kind of accident that not only ruins her outfit but leaks brown diarrhea all over mine.  Yeah, I have a lot of issues. 

One day we were in the car, and she simply said “Mommy, I have to do pee pee”- and I answered “Just go in your diaper”.  I had a feeling that’s not what you’re supposed to say to a child who has been asking to use the potty and wear “big girl underwear”.

But an important thing happened, one of my good friends who has older children listened to me dramatically complain about my fears and she looked at me and said “You know, it all eventually works out, right?”  Duh.  I don’t know any college kids that still wear diapers.  I mean, I knew plenty that regularly went in their pants but it was usually after drinking way too much.  Pace University was a weird place, but alas, that’s another story for another time.

So when her pre-school offered parents a “potty training seminar” with a trained professional, I jumped all over that.  Granted, I spent a week trying to understand what kind of person makes their life work about getting kids to crap in a toilet, but to each his own.  Clearly, I couldn’t wait to go so there was a demand for this kind of speaker.  (Note to self: if this whole real estate/radio dj/baking this doesn’t work out- think about teaching my own potty training 101 class).

The class, although informative, did exactly what I was afraid of- it confused me even more.  I had yet another method to add to the 37 that had already been suggested. 

Last Monday morning, Hayden woke up and promptly said “Mommy, I go pee pee in the potty?”-  I took off her diaper and let her go.  More importantly, I didn’t put it back on.  I put on some old school gangsta rap to get my head in the game and went at it full force.  It was potty training time. 

I put down some newspaper down on the carpets just in case there were any accidents upstairs- For the record, no one suggested that to me, I thought of that all on my own.  When and if I teach a class, I will include that nugget of valuable information. 

One Mom said, keep her naked the whole time you’re home.  So, I kept her naked at first.  “Mommy, I’m cold”.  “Mommy, I want to wear pants”, “Mommy, can you be naked too?”- Hm- that wasn’t working out.  So I put her in underwear and pants. 

Things were going well, like another Mom said, every ten minutes I put her on the potty.  After a couple hours, she was ready to kill me.  “Mommy, I don’t have to go potty!!”  I spaced it out to 30 minutes.  At one point, she became so engrossed in Minnie Mouse on tv that she pee’d on the floor.  (No problem, I had the newspaper down)- So I changed her underwear, put her in new ones. 

Another Mom suggestion, bribery.  “If you pee in the potty, I’ll give you chocolate.”  Hayden’s a smart kid.  She could literally pee four drops, eat a piece of chocolate and go back and pee another four drops for another piece.  That wasn’t working.  So I made a deal, she could get a lollipop for poop.  That was a good compromise.

Mom number 13 suggested not leaving my house for five days while I was potty training.  Let’s be honest, there’s no way in hell I was sitting trapped in my house for five days.  So every morning, I would race the back roads to my Moms house so I could drop Hayden off for her to potty train her for a few hours while I ran to the gym/office/bar. 

Miraculously, she never had an accident for my Mom. 

Day 4, we had friends over.  Hayden was so involved with playing with her friend, that she pooped herself.  I freaked.  I took her upstairs and sure enough, it was disgusting- so I heard my hairdresser in my head… “Make it a dramatic show, cut the underwear off her, show her how you throw them in the garbage”…  Okay.  I ran downstairs and grabbed the kitchen shears.  Ran back up to her bathroom as she stood in shock and silence while I crazily explained that I had to cut her Cinderalla underwear off and throw them away because she pooped them.  She seemed pretty calm while I literally cut a pair of underwear off of her.  As I threw them in the garbage with a huge sigh- she looked at me and said “Okay Mommy, get me another pair”.  Hmm… Not the reaction I was hoping for.

Here’s the conversation I had with our babysitter…

“If she poops her underwear, go into the kitchen and get the big scissors in the butcher block, take her upstairs and cut them off her and throw them in the garbage… it would help if you cry a little and show her how disappointed you are in her.”

I don’t know, maybe I shouldn't have had listened to all the advice.

I did get this text from my husband last night while I was out:

“Hayden sh*t her pants!! Started to clean her and she reached around a grabbed a handful… gross”

I’m not going to lie, I’m glad I wasn’t there for that.  I would have had a heart attack.

So needless to say, this is a work in progress.  But it’s getting better every day. 

Here’s the best part, Paul had to cut her nails and scrub under them to get the poop out from her reach around.  Thank God I missed that- and I'm not going to lie, I laughed at what he had to go through.  Why should only Mommy have fun with potty training, right?