The Epic Battle

The Epic Battle
Hayden woke up a full thirty minutes earlier than she usually does (how dare she!) and I was a little sideways as a result of a rare splurge of a girls night out the night before. As I blurry eyed stumbled into her room, I was overcome with excitement to see her. I had a super busy day at work the day before and went straight out to meet my friends after my last appointment, so I literally hadn’t seen her in almost 24 hours.
She began the day the way she usually does; by pulling off her stinky sock and putting it into my mouth- but today was different. As I pulled off her diaper, the smell was strange and familiar. I was so taken back by the stench that as I let her place the sock in my mouth, I bit her. Hard. She screamed out in pain. I had a million different thoughts running through my mind- I just bit my daughter- why does her pee smell like that?- why did we order a second espresso martini after two bottles of wine- I hope she’s not going to bleed- How am I going to explain to people that I bit her?- and then I recognized the smell. It was asparagus pee!!
I calmed her down and apologized for trying to eat her finger. I screamed out to my husband, Paul, and asked if he had given her asparagus for dinner. Sure enough, he had. Her stinky asparagus pee smelled just like my stinky asparagus pee! She is my kid!
I’m always fascinated by what I find in her diaper. It’s been a reoccurring theme with me since she was born. I could spend hours talking about her poop, her issues with constipation, my theory on her colic related to her poop, the colors, the textures, the smell’s- I really have a problem.
Lately though, the issue isn’t so much the actual pee and poop that come out (although this mornings discovery was incredibly exciting) but the epic battles we have now to change her diaper. Long gone are the days where she would just lay there and I would change her. At this point, I dread the walk up to her nursery. I’ve contemplated whether it’s actually necessary to change her diaper if it’s only pee. The child will not sit still. She’s rolling all around. She has to grab and touch every single thing in the basket next to her changing pad (lately she is totally obsessed with her rectal thermometer and is constantly trying to put it in her mouth…so gross. Mental note to self: stop leaving it in there and hide it in the bathroom otherwise her breath will smell like crap). I break a sweat every single time I have to change her diaper. I have a routine. It involves draping a towel around me because she apparently thinks it’s great to pee on my clothes. She will sit up and refuse to lie back down. She has to touch her dirty diaper otherwise she will kick me repeatedly. I have to give her a baby wipe to suck on to calm her down… Is that even okay to do? Lately it has gotten worse. She has now realized that there’s something “down there” that she can touch. Of course, she only wants to explore when there’s a huge poop. So I mentally prep myself to make every changing as fast as possible. There have been plenty of times where I have failed at my mission and have to spend extended periods of time cleaning poop out from under her nails. I’m waiting for the day that she grabs a handful of it and throws it across the room. I sing, I dance, I plead, I hold dirty socks in my mouth- the child will just not sit still. When I went to take off her diaper tonight for bath time, I noticed that the Pamper was wedged right between her butt cheeks- Like a thong. Maybe that could be my claim to fame. I could design diapers to look and feel like thongs for babies. I’m sure that’ll make me some money.
Anyway, today the Tooth Fairy (otherwise known as my mom) announced that another tooth had arrived in Hayden’s mouth. Apparently my mother has declared herself the foremost authority on teething. She claims every single thing that Hayden does relates to teething. So after waiting almost three full months, Hayden has sprouted a second tooth. My mother was feeling pretty triumphant from the discovery. I was just in plain shock because I had given up on the fact that she would even have teeth at this point. I still haven’t witnessed the tooth because Hayden won’t let me anywhere near her mouth without biting and/or sticking out her tongue and making it impossible to stick my finger in there. But if the Tooth Fairy says it’s there, it’s there. Exciting stuff!
So as I sit here with my laptop on my lap while I lounge in my bed, I can’t help but stare at my little diva on the monitor screen. As usual she is clutching her “Orange”. Orange is the name we gave to an orange sea horse stuffed animal I won last year at a carnival. She bites him. She tries to pull off his eyes. She wrestles with him in her crib. She jumps on his head. I’m beginning to worry that she has anger management issues; especially since lately she is constantly hitting me in the face with blunt objects. Not to worry though, my Mom has reassured me that she’s just doing that because of teething.