Fears

Fears
I have a lot of fears. I remember a time when the most taxing thing on my mind was whether I wanted to start my night with beer or wine. Things have changed. The moment Hayden was born I began to worry about everything. I can’t watch the news without getting teary eyed about a missing child somewhere in Florida. I’ve never had so many irrational fears, but I can’t help myself.
Some of my fears are more valid than others. I feel like I can talk about them a bit more today because I have finally gotten some resolution. I remember when I first started writing this blog five months ago I made a few jokes about Hayden’s big head. Well, as time went on, the size of her head actually became a real problem. Her weight remained in the 75th percentile and height in the 50th- but her head went from 80th-90th-95th- to off the charts. I was sent to a pediatric neurologist. Hayden has a deep hatred towards all kinds of doctors. I have no idea how she knows who the doctors are- but she does. As soon as she sees the table with the white paper on it, she becomes hysterical. I’ve actually not taken her to the pediatrician a few times when I should have because I didn’t want repeat performances of multiple nurses and doctors coming in to hold her down. I remember one cold brought us there and my pediatrician wasn’t available to see her. She saw the doctor on duty and they actually called her a wild child. Very reassuring for this first time Mom. Needless to say, they couldn’t examine her and the trip was totally wasted.
Anyway, back to this neurologist. Ironically, he had the biggest head I’ve ever seen on a human being. All I kept thinking was “if this guy became a pediatric neurosurgeon/neurologist, I shouldn’t be too worried about Hayden…”- As we sat for the consultation I reassured him that my family has a tendency of big heads. He asked me if my brother and fathers head’s were bigger than his… I stuttered and said “well, no- umm… not that big”- I glanced over at my mother who was clutching Hayden for dear life and saw her look away and try not to laugh. He disagreed with our pediatrician and thought that my head wasn’t really that big. (Fantastic) He made me take the measurements of both my brother and fathers heads. Awkward, but whatever. I’ll do whatever they ask. So, I left the office and headed to hunt down my family with a measuring tape in my hand. And yes, they have big heads, but apparently, not that abnormally large.
He didn’t feel comfortable to do an MRI since she doesn’t show any other signs of illness besides the large head, so I was off to another specialist. This time we were off to see pediatric ophthalmologist. I didn’t even know what kind of doctor that was. I spent hours on Google. I researched every deformity she could possibly have. I was a hot mess. When I called to schedule the appointment, I asked the nurse if there was a special way that they dilate her eyes, since I couldn’t imagine Hayden being cooperative. She simply said “She’s a baby, right? Just hold her down.” Easier said than done. The kid won’t even let me cut her toe nails. I’ve been trying for months. She’s kicked me in the mouth twice.
This morning I woke up and said out loud that this would be the last day of this madness. This doctor was going to do his thing and tell me that there’s nothing wrong with Hayden. And he did. It was horrible. She screamed like a maniac and it took me, my mom and the doctor to hold her down. But we did it and he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Nothing wrong- she looked perfectly normal. Yes, the kid just has a big head. (Sigh of relief)
Today I’ve said my prayers, and I’ve thanked my God but my heart goes out to the Mommy’s out there who don’t get to have that sigh of relief.
Now, I can focus on my more irrational fears. Hayden has been putting all her toys in piles, not sharing, and carries the most random things with her constantly. I am pretty sure she’s on the route to be a hoarder.